My fat history

I want to remember where I came from and to help inspire me to keep going. Many people wouldn't be as candid as I am going to be. They are ashamed of what they've become or are afraid of what others will think of them. I am what I am and I've only brought this on myself. I eat my feelings. Now that I've come to accept that I can make my weakness into a strength. Through writing this I hope to be an inspiration to someone else.

BEFORE:

Being fat is not easy. You come to get used to it though and in a way doing what you're used to is a comfort. I never knew I was fat until the sixth grade. This is when my family moved to a new state. I wanted to make new friends so much and my appearance suddenly became very important to me. When I didn't make all those new friends like I had hoped, I turned to food as a comfort. My mother knew how to make the best comfort foods! Food always seemed to make things better and I sure did love it! Another factor which aided my obesity was television. I had a favorite program that I liked to watch and felt like the other kids in the show were my friends. Everything always turns out right in the end for people on TV. Even though it isn't real this provided that feeling of friendship and sense of belonging that I needed at such a critical age. My friends were television and food. A deadly combination.

In high school I had convinced myself that I was "safe" because dangerous men didn't target the fat girl. It is especially easy to be invisible and I thought that liked it because I didn't have to deal with much especially confrontation. I was really quiet at school and didn't talk much. I'd like to think that I'd mastered the art of invisibility. No one pays attention to the fat girl. I had a few friends here and there but none that I've kept in touch with that I felt especially close with. Plus, there aren't a lot of options in a small town. I knew how to keep my nose clean and to get good grades. I did do a few things and my most fond memories are those when I branched out and engaged in extra curricular activities. I was heavily involved with band but also partook in my high school's nearly non-existent theatre program as well as the library club.

Moving on to college. This was when I really began to desire attention from young men. Everyone gets lots of dates in college and has a really fun time right? This is what I expected and was really disappointed when that didn't happen for me. My first major mistake was when I relied on my roommates for socializing. This may work out for some people but it didn't as much for me. I soon realized that the guys we hung out with were never interested in me but in my roommate but I needed attention so much that I would take what I could get. There were times when I had genuine fun but I was too afraid to branch out and make my own friends to have my own social network. I hid behind the fat and used that as an excuse. No one likes a fat person so why should I even try? I automatically assumed someone wouldn't like me because I was fat. On several occasions I got the brush off which only reinforced this belief. After several years of following someone else around I eventually learned that if I wanted to do something, I had to do it myself. I couldn't depend on others to do it for me. In some ways this is good because it instilled a sense of independence I may never have developed. I've done many fun things on my own. I would never have gone to Alaska or traveled by myself. The downfall to this independence however is that I can be uncomfortable asking people to do things for me. I will try every way possible on my own before I ask someone to do something for me.

Another farce I had convinced myself of was I shouldn't have to lose weight for someone to like me. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't love me for the way I am? I shouldn't have to lose weight to please someone else. Unfortunately this was mostly an excuse to be lazy. I have known all along that I need to lose weight for myself and my success. I can't think about it in terms of whether or not someone will like me. I need to do it for myself so that I can like me. I'm not happy with the way I look so why have I been letting it hold me back for so long? If I want someone to see the real me I have to lose weight so that he can see it. I need to be healthy so that I can have children someday. I need to be able to keep up with them and take care of them. I want to be healthy so I can be the person at the front of the hike waiting for the slow pokes (and I will wait at the top so that they can have a chance to enjoy it too and not turn back as soon as they get there!). There are so many things that I will do when I am at a healthy weight. Scuba diving, rock climbing and hiking are at the top of my list (maybe I will even try surfing or skiing!). I want to be able to run and enjoy it! I want to be able to buy clothes in the trendy section. I HATE FAT CLOTHES. They are all designed for old ladies with absolutely no taste. It is so difficult finding something that looks good and fits right especially since I am so short. I could look my age! There is just so much to look forward to and so much to be glad to leave behind. Why did it take me so long to figure this out and do something about it?

I am leaving behind this fat dichotomy and am shifting my own paradigm!