maintain maintain maintain

That is the game.  Well I wish I could lose but at least I've been able to stay within the same 1 lb range after I stopped taking the drops.  I have found that I don't eat as much as I did before going on the Hcg and I am able to resist many sugars and starches.  I allow myself one cheat per day and it hasn't seemed to affect me too much.  I seem to stay full longer than I did when I would eat a smaller amount like I do now.  My life is pretty busy right now with learning new tasks at work and making holiday plans but when I do find that its time to eat, I'm not crazy ravenous like I would've been by that point before going on the diet.  Now if I could just add a little exercise to it and I could start to lose again!

Happy holidays!

I'm off the drops for now with plans to start again at the beginning of the new year.  Holidays are just too hard on diets.  Good news though, aside from my slight set back of gaining 3 lbs right after I got off the drops, I'm still losing a small amount of weight per day.  I try to keep my portions small and to distract myself with non food activities and water.  I think it was just yesterday that I screamed at the top of my brain, "I'm not hungry!" and it seemed to work.  Hopefully I can keep doing that.  Turkey day is coming up next week and I'm in charge of pie.  I'm thinking sweet potato, blueberry and perhaps lemon meringue.  Funny thing is, if I make the sweets I don't eat as much.  Someone else's cooking always tastes better so maybe this is a good plan of action.

222

Don't feel like writing.

220.8

new foods!

So I notice that I usually write only when I'm having a rough time of it and not when things are going good.  The first couple of days this week I cheated a lot and so I didn't lose anything.  Luckily I didn't really gain either.  Yesterday I decided to try a salad at Wendys.  Their Apple Chicken Pecan didn't seem too bad and it was all approved foods except for the pecans, dressing, bleu cheese and dried cranberries.  Luckily the dressing and pecans come on the side so all I had to pick off was the bleu cheese.  Admittedly I didn't pick off the cranberries so that I would have a little more flavor.  It was so delicious!  It was nice to have fresh greens.  Somehow restaurant salads always taste better than when I make it.  I finally started feeling better yesterday as well and so I am grateful for that.  I think its because my cold finally broke and I'm not feeling yucky because of that so I can focus more on my diet now. 
Today is payday so I'm going to get some more groceries.  I'm excited to have some more variety in my meals!  I'm looking most forward to shrimp, meatballs and making radish chips.  Only a week and a half left of this phase!

223.6

1 week

This has been such a mental battle.  Yesterday I texted Julie: "I feel like a drug addict who needs a fix".  This is how much I have allowed food to control me.  This has been the hardest thing I've done and I have a feeling that even though week 1 was hard.  It will get even harder to stay on track.  Only 2 weeks and 3 more days to get through and then I will be done with the first round.  It doesn't sound like that long right?  Most days I'm just waiting for the clock to tick down just so I can check off another day till I can eat normally again.  The past couple of days I have been wondering if this suffering will really be worth it in the end?  I must push through to find out.

224.4 lbs

FAIL!

Yesterday was super rough.  I was completely ready to call it quits.  Not only was I still so hungry, for the second day in a row I cried at work for really stupid things.  I felt weak and irritable.  Luckily, my cousin Julie was able to talk me out of it.  I always get super dramatic and feel as if I'm a big failure.  Food has been my cure for so many things.  Being overweight is something I've convinced myself for so long that I cannot overcome that it is easy to talk myself out of the newest goals to overcome it.  Julie is on the same program but is 2 days ahead of me so gave me hope that it gets better.  So instead of quitting altogether I decided to cheat for one night.  Grilled cheese, 2 frozen burritos and 2 1/2 cupcakes.  So delicious!  Maybe it will take a day or two to show up because the scale told me I lost one pound.  I had to re-weigh myself just to make sure it was correct.  It was totally worth it to gain a little sanity for today.  I'm still hungry but not in an uncontrollable way.  Maybe it will get better!

Found some asparagus for $1.99 lb today so I bought 3 bunches.  Also got Stevia (herbal sweetener) and grapefruit plus some herbal tea that has cinnamon and carob in it (tastes amazing!).  There are so many herbal tea options that I didn't know were out there.  Planning on halibut with lemon and asparagus for dinner.  Good thing I love seafood!

227.2 lbs

starvation mode day 1 & 2

I can truly say I've never felt real hunger before. Until now.  It is so hard to control myself from just indulging in what I know will make me feel better.  I hate that having a full stomach really makes me feel better!  How naive I was to think that drinking a bottle of water would make the hunger subside!  I think I will do better today but yesterday I was a complete wreck.  I was doing okay but by the end I started to get really cranky with everything everyone did.  To add to the stress of it all, I'm coming down with a cold and I was really tired.  When I finally broke, I cried in front of my boss and I felt so weak!  Luckily I had the cold/tired excuse so I didn't have to tell anyone that I was starving!  When I finally got to go home, I went straight to bed to get a nap and that definitely helped.  I took a couple of doses of hoodia throughout the day and that seemed to help a little bit but it didn't take the hunger away completely.  I'm going to look for another appetite suppressant to see if it works better.

I got some of that calorie free dressing.  Nasty.  I'm going to use it as a marinade for my chicken so hopefully it won't taste too bad.  I will need to pick up more veggies though because I mostly got lettuce and cabbage.  I made a delicious chicken soup last night and have a chicken salad for today.  I'm so glad that I can still use salt! I got a sea salt that is supposedly better anyway. 

228.4 lbs

Day one of 500 Calories

This picture was taken this morning. I figure that you're not supposed to smile in the before picture. You're also supposed to wear ugly baggy clothes but I felt like I'd see my progress better if I wore more form fitted clothes.

The 2 gorge days are easy. The first night I made fettuccini alfredo (delish!) and had leftovers for lunch the next day. Last night I ate at Chinese Buffet with my cousin Kevin. Unfortunately, I could only finish 2 plates. I'd gotten to the point last week where I felt like I had to eat all my favorites one last time but each time it would just give me a tummy ache to the point where I never wanted to eat something so fatty again. I had to press on for the sake of science though and later Kevin and I went out for ice cream. I made a pretty good attempt and ate about half of it but anyone who has been to Leatherby's knows their servings are enormous! It was a good way to end my binge day though because it was the last thing I got to eat "one last time".

Today I woke up not feeling too bad aside from the fact that I woke up with a sore throat. My main plan is when I feel I'm too hungry, I drink at least 12 oz of water. I also have hoodia which is an appetite suppressant to be used if I just can't take the hunger pains anymore. I've never tried it before so we'll see if it actually works for me. I decided to purchase fun foods so I'm going to grill up a lean steak for lunch. I also got some halibut and then of course there is always the chicken breast standby. I have tons of salad greens that I'm going to make up so I can just grab a handful for when I run to work.

I'm looking into using a specific dressing that my sister Alisa used while on her HCG diet. It's from a company called Walden farms. It looks like they have all sorts of products like syrups, jams and salad dressings. Their tag line: "No calories, fat, carbs, gluten or sugars of any kind!" What I really would like to do is look at the ingredient list which they don't seem to have online so I will have to take a field trip to the store later today to see if all the ingredients are approved. It will be nice to have something to flavor my salads. I'm not a huge salad eater to begin with so this will definitely help.

234.2 lbs

Say goodbye to the old me once and for all!

As you know my plan has not been going as planned. Here it is over a year and a half after I set my original weight loss goals and I'm only down 30 pounds from my all time high weight. Go me for maintaining it (mostly) for almost a year but I'm still obese. There is a new popular diet going around called the HCG diet. I know you're probably thinking the same things I did when I first heard about it. ("500 calories a day! That's insane! Of course you're going to lose weight with only 500 calories a day!) My sister went on the diet and lost almost 60 lbs. She hadn't been able to get pregnant after 10 years of marriage. Almost as soon as the weight came off she became pregnant. I then did some research.

This diet has been around for over 50 years. A British man named Dr. Simeon came to be known as the one to do the initial research. He was working in India and became curious when though poor thus underfed, pregnant women were still able to deliver relatively healthy babies. He discovered that a certain hormone in their body was being produced which "unlock" the fat stores in the woman's body to help nourish the fetus. He had been trying to figure out a better option for those going on a restricted diet to be able to lose the bad fat and keep the good fat. The good fat is what helps our organs and muscles to function properly and this is usually what is lost first when a person tries to eat an extremely restricted diet and over exercise. He decided to see what this hormone could do with a non-pregnant person. Long story short it has many benefits which I'm looking forward to.

1.)This hormone allows you to consume only 500 calories at day though your body is burning more like 3500 calories. This is why (so I've read) you don't get too hungry. We shall see about that. I bought an appetite suppressant just in case. I also hear the first week is the hardest

2.)For an obese person like me, I get discouraged very easily and cannot maintain self control for a long enough period of time to get down to a healthy weight. This diet offers immediate results. 1 pound a day?! I can handle that.

3.)It is a strict diet as far as what you can or cannot eat but I kinda like the fact that it tells you exactly what to eat. This is relatively simple and there's not a lot of guess work.

4.)Treats are not allowed. Now you may be thinking this can't be a benefit but somehow in my brain it seems like it will be easier to not have any at all rather than just "a little bite" because that little bite soon becomes a huge bite and then 2 or 3 more servings.

5.)I will save so much money because I won't be eating out hardly at all.

6.)The strict eating only lasts for a few weeks and then you go back to eating a regular healthy diet to allow your body to adjust till you go back to 500 calories a day again.

7.)Most of all it gives me so much hope that I can actually look like an average to (dare I say this!) skinny person. People will always judge but at least they won't judge me as that fat person that I don't feel like inside. Of course I still may be judged as 'the person who used to be fat' but losing that much weight generally (from what I've seen) gets people to notice for the better.

8.)I won't have to shop for clothes in the fat old lady section! Goodbye Lame Bryant! That has me more excited than ever! I'm going to save all the money that I used to use for food and purchase all new clothes when I reach my goal weight. I must remember this on the hard days when I want to cheat. I will finally once and for all be able to wear clothes that I've always wanted so I can show my personality. Don't worry nothing too extreme but definitely not ugly T-shirts and jeans anymore!

So many more to look forward to but I will blog more later about this when I'm actually experiencing it. I'm going to print out a picture of myself to remind me when I need to stay focused. It is time to take my life back!

Weight week 1: 232.6
Goal weight: 132 lbs!

back burner

Yikes! Losing weight has been on the back burner for a few weeks. I have become lazy and just don't feel like going to the gym anymore. I really should go because I pay for it and that is a waste of money if I don't use it! I need something new to motivate me to want to lose weight besides the normal stuff. I'm in the 'I don't really care anymore' cycle and I need to move on to the 'I feel better about myself when I exercise and eat right' cycle. How do you stay in the second one without lapsing back into the first one? Sometimes I use excuses like, 'if my schedule wasn't so erratic' or 'I get plenty of exercise at work' (benefit to my job but it definitely isn't enough to lose weight!) I really like to go hiking but its been too hot lately and I haven't had time. Another excuse. I think I live my life on excuses. What a way to live. Wow. I need a new distraction. Something to keep me from wanting to eat food all the time and to stay active. Motivation. Excitement. Maybe a little drama. Hmmmm.

twisted face

There should be an icon on my keyboard for a twisted face. Anyone can do a smiley or frowny face. As you can tell the news isn't good. I measured myself this past weekend and I'm exactly the same inches in all places as I was when I measured myself last October. "At least you haven't gained weight" you say? Yes, this is true and boy do I know how to gain weight but the point is, I've been trying to lose it! Well I guess I will have to be better at eating and exercise. It's the same old comforting answer. I've got to do better... Comforting answer, I think not. Depressing more like. I need a new motivation to get me through the times when I have to grab something quick to eat and I would really like to eat a giant cheeseburger and fries instead of stopping for something more better like Subway. Most times when this happens it is because I haven't planned ahead and I've waited too long between meals so I become ravenous.

I once got dubbed Rampage Robin as my wrestler name (long story not to be shared, trust) but sometimes I think that maybe it should be Ravenous Robin. That would be much more scary. Watch out for Ravenous Robin! She's on the rampage! Steer clear from her path because she'll tear you apart if she doesn't get something to eat soon! Truly terrifying. Ok ok. So a little dramatic but that is what the voice inside my head feels like if I don't eat at regular intervals. Must be more careful with this in the future but sometimes situation doesn't permit.

How do you stay motivated and on track for your goals?

eat to live not live to eat

Last week I was out of town on a work trip and ate out every meal. Why is it that I couldn't just do something simple? When I'm on vacation I always think that I have to try some favorite local joint. I'm not going to miss out on anything. Food is food. As a result I had a lot of calories and not much exercise. Oh dear. This week I'm broke so that solves the eating out problem. Monday I hiked up Bells Canyon to the lower reservoir. Tuesday I went up Big Cottonwood Canyon and did a short yet steep hike. Wednesday I decided to walk to the post office to mail a package instead of drive the 5 minutes it takes to get there by car. On the way home I took a less direct route and ended up being gone for 2 hours.

The best was today though. I swam laps in the pool at the gym for 45 minutes. Gliding my arms up and over the water to the rhythm of my breathing is such a soothing form of exercise. I think of myself as slim and athletic. Sliding through the water like a dolphin. Why don't I swim more often? Why do I make excuses to not exercise? I feel so much better when I'm done so why wouldn't I want that?

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

Weight: 227
I feel that I did really good today. I woke up early enough to go for a delightful 40 minute walk around the neighborhood. It had been raining and so everything smelled so fresh and wonderful! I wished that I had more time to do so because it was so pleasant.

Lately I've had a hard time not eating junk food. I finally went to Costco and bought a bunch of stuff to keep me from doing so. Frozen chicken breast, string cheese, fruit and a big ole thing of spinach. I had eggs with turkey bacon and chopped tomato for breakfast. A delicious turkey sandwich with spinach, sprouts and tomato for lunch. Dinner included 1/4 chicken breast, 2 baby reds and 2 small pieces of sourdough toast with jam (mmmm desert). Not uber healthy but definitely not fast food. I drank more water today than usual and didn't have any super sweets. I'm feeling pretty good about that. One step at a time right?

Time to stop being fat.

I have reached a point where I need to stop making excuses and start really working to lose weight again. I weigh the same as I did five months ago. Somehow I must convince myself that sugar and deep fried foods are poisonous. Surely that will prevent me from eating junk food! What happened to my goals? Why have I been such a slacker? I want this more than anything so why am I not doing everything I can to obtain it? I want to have control over my life! I want people to see something besides a fat girl. It is saddening and disappointing that even though I've gotten smaller people still see a fat girl. A friend was on the phone with his boss and was trying to get him to remember who I was. Nothing rang a bell until I was referred to as big Robin. Instantly he remembered who I was. It didn't offend me because its true, I'm big. What makes me sad is that is ALL that people see when they look at me. It is such a shallow world. I could be rich, brilliant, beautiful, or talented but all people will see is fat fat fat. I'm done with being fat.

Visit your local buffet!

I found a motivator tool when I went to eat at the golden corral tonight. Never before have I ever lost my appetite in such a manner. Don't get me wrong, the food was good and I was plenty hungry. It was the other diners that lost it for me. There were at least 4 people there that were over 400 lbs each. Most of the other diners had some sort of weight issue. As a result the plate from my second run to the buffet was 3/4 fruit and I didn't even touch my fried chicken from my first plate. I pushed the chocolate cake around after a couple of bites and I had to push it away. It was maddening. That certainly was enough to motivate me to return to the gym and not give up on my venture. For anyone who has lost their motivation, visit your local buffet!

walking

I have been feeling a bit in the dumps lately and really didn't want to go to the gym today. Exercise always makes me feel better yet sometimes it doesn't seem enough to convince me to get off my duff and do it. As a compromise I decided to go for an hour long walk in my neighborhood. I was hurrying to get home before it got too dark so I could at least start my walk in the light. The most glorious thing about it was that it stayed light the entire walk! I left just after five and got back around six. I really love that the air was clear from smog and the sky was blue. Near the end of my walk I realized that I was feeling much better about life and that things can't be all bad. It felt good to get some fresh air and have time to think without interruption. What a good walk!

work harder!

weight: 225
grrrr. only went to the gym twice this week. Ok three times if you count yesterday when I just sat in the hot tub & steam room. I was hoping it would sweat off a couple of pounds but I went by myself and got bored before I could get to that point. Its okay though. This coming week is a new week and I'm renewed again to reach my goals. How about that if I could be down to 220 by the end of January?! That is 5 lbs in one week. A lot but I could do it. I need to work harder and set my goals higher and more specific. Admittedly I've been lazy. Not this week. I can do it!

Breakthrough: You know what I just realized? I don't crave fast food like I used to. Maybe its just a phase I'm going through but I have been able to resist eating out more because I was able to desire the food I had waiting at home rather than a quick fix at Taco Bell or McDonalds. (PS I love my new panini grill!) Plus, deep fried foods make me feel sick inside after I eat them. Tasty but deadly. Now to work on high sugar foods, I certainly can still pack on the sweets without any problem.

This week's menu:
chicken noodle soup
chicken enchiladas
grilled fish & herbed potatoes
turkey burger & sweet potato fries
chicken curry
smoothies

OK so not extremely healthy but definitely not eating out. I don't eat as much if I eat my own cooking. My diet is about portion control rather than restricting myself to certain types of foods. The trick is to not go so long between meals so that I don't overeat. I know I know I say this all the time but I need to remember that it helps to partake in healthy snacks between meals.

My goal this week: eat a heartier breakfast or eat second breakfast so I'm not ravenous by the time lunch rolls around. Pack lunch the night before because I KNOW that I won't do it in the morning!

No one to tell me no

224 lbs! Lost 1 lb!
I only went to the gym once this week but did some extra curricular activities that I would consider extra exercise. On Tuesday while everyone was getting cheeseburgers & fries, I ordered a Jamba juice for my meal. Though it is not low in calories or sugar, it is has more nutrients and an okay occasional meal replacement. Plus I needed some immunity boost because I needed to get rid of my cold. I avoided other high sugar foods pretty good until the weekend. Friday I caved and emotional ate a giant cheeseburger with fries but did get a diet soda. That's good right? Saturday I didn't eat dinner but did gobble up some sweets at a movie party. erg. This morning I had whole wheat pancakes and only ate two rather than four like normal. I really think that I can't eat as much as I used to be able to. That makes me happy. Now, if I could only not feel so out of control hungry when I'm hungry. Snacking only goes so far.

This week: eat a meal when I'm supposed to so that I don't over eat later.

January January January

Ok so things went pretty well this week. I made it to the gym 4 times (I'm counting last Saturday). I walked almost 9 miles. One day I only had a 1/2 hour so I changed it up by hopping on the StairMaster & stationary bike. I walked almost 3/4 mile on the stairs and almost 6 miles on the bike. It was a great workout.

I successfully avoided french fries 2-3 times. The best part is that when I snitched one of my friend's fries it didn't even taste good at all. I would like to think that I've been eating more fruits & vegetables but I haven't quantified it so I should be more meticulous in taking eating notes. One day I compromised and made a deal with myself. In order to eat a small package of donuts I had to drink an entire can of V-8 juice. First of all I have successfully lived my whole life until this point not having ever partaken V-8 juice. It always sounded disgusting to me but I decided to give it a try because I'm willing to try anything once. Yup I was right. It was disgusting. It did fill me up though chugging it like I did.

This next week: no compromises just avoid high sugar foods at all costs.

Today's the day

Here we go on another adventure! I had Panda Express last night as a last hurrah and it was nasty. Oh that will make it so much easier to not have it ever again! Now if I could only avoid McDonalds' delicious savory french fries!

Some of my non-eating goals this year:
hike Mt. Timpanogos
finish my quilt & start another
learn & memorize Chopin's Etude in C minor
take a dance class
learn how to be happy in any situation

OH yeah. I'm adding one more eating goal to my previous blog:
Eat 4-5 fruits & or veggies per day.